Passing Time, Fear, and Doubt
I remain have 7 pieces owed.
I failed to cut the number down, but I’ve held steady. That’s something at least. I’m not happy, but I’m not angry either. However something else is on my mind: I realized today is that this year I turn 25.
At 25 years I’m still young, but time moves quickly. I’ve burnt through a quarter of a century, and I’ve only a little time left (I don’t consider 100 years to be long). I feel as though I’ve stalled in life. There’s still plenty time for me to do what I wish, but I’m full of doubt.
I doubt my own ability to stop working at retail stores and to do what I want to. All I need to do is get discipline, a trait I’ve always struggled with despite my parents and those I know for doing their best to instill it in me. Without it I fear I’ll continue down this same, unhappy, path.
Time slips by and I don’t take advantage of what is given. This cycle is familiar to me. I often find myself filled with doubt and loneliness, and then I bounce back. I always bounce back, but little changes.
Something has to change. I have to find my discipline and I have to apply it. There’s so much I could and so many different directions for me to take. There’s no reason for me not to take something besides inaction. This can’t be my continued direction.
I don’t know what else to do besides take my white board and write down what time I’m going to bed, when I’m going to eat, when I’m going to write, when I’m going to read, when I’m going to scroll through the internet, when I’m going to read the news, when I’m going to bed, when I get up, and everything in between. Everyday I’ll erase the lines as I complete them and then at night fill them back in. Structure and discipline, these are the tools I’ll use to combat my fear and doubt.
Time passes, but I’ll drown my fear in hope and love.